"Where Are Your Parents From?"

Hello {{ first name | friends}},

Welcome to another instalment in my own going series covering things white folks have said to me over the years.

This one won't be a surprise to anyone as it's something I've written about before. It's something most Black and Global Majority people have experienced at some point.

It's the double or triple whammy of two or three successive questions:

The questions seem innocuous on the surface, but there's an unwelcome subtext that many marginalised folx will be aware of.

Here's an example of this in action.

A Black woman friend and I were returning to the UK some years ago when we were stopped by one of the officials, who asked where we were from.

Slightly confused at that point we answered: "From England", showing our British passports. To our minds, that should have been the end of the discussion and we should have been left to get on with getting our luggage and going home.

But it wasn't.

The official persisted.

"Where do you live?", he asked. We replied that we lived in Southampton, and again thought that would be the end of the questioning.

We were wrong.

"Where were you born?," he persisted.

"Streatham," I responded. (It's part of London in England.

Sure enough, that still wasn't good enough, and he continued with the interrogation.

"But where were your parents born?"

When I said that my parents had been born in the Caribbean he looked satisfied, gave us our passports and another hard look, before letting us through. (I could have said that thanks to colonialism my parents were born British citizens before claiming their current identity in their 20s, but that would probably have prolonged the agony.)

This interaction is a form of othering. It's a way of letting you know that you don't belong and you will never belong.

It says: "I have taken one look at your Black skin and I have determined that you are not one of us and you never will be. I have determined that I have the right to question your presence and existence until I get an answer that confirms my biases."

This, my friends, is peak whiteness. (Which, by the way, can also be enacted by people of different identities, but that's another story.)

So if you want to start a conversation while avoiding this pitfall, what are your options. There are many. One of the ones that's sitting well with me right now is: "where's home for you?" I also like this author's suggestion of: "what culture do you identify with?"

That being said, if othering is the goal, then it won't matter what question you ask, because people like me who have been affected by this question will recognise the intention no matter how it's dressed up.

Black and Global Majority folx, how often have you been asked this question?

Other folx, how do you assuage your curiosity without causing harm?

Thanks for reading,

Sharon

The best HR advice comes from those in the trenches. That’s what this is: real-world HR insights delivered in a newsletter from Hebba Youssef, a Chief People Officer who’s been there. Practical, real strategies with a dash of humor. Because HR shouldn’t be thankless—and you shouldn’t be alone in it.

Sign Up Free

Note: poll feedback is private - if you’re happy to share your thoughts in public, then please also leave a comment.

Sharon Hurley Hall is an anti-racism educator, author of I’m Tired of Racism, and founder of the SHHARE anti-racism community and of Sharon’s Anti-Racism Newsletter, which provides tools and lived experiences to fuel systemic change. A seasoned professional writer and journalist, she leverages over 30 years of experience to mentor introverted leaders, and is co-founder and co-host of the Introvert Sisters Podcast. Her recent work focuses on helping Black and Global Majority women achieve high-impact visibility and professional influence without the exhaustion of performing extroversion.

© Sharon Hurley Hall, 2026. All Rights Reserved. This newsletter is published on beehiiv (affiliate link).