"You're Much Quieter Than I Thought You Would Be"

Hello {{ first name | friends}},

Here's another tale from the past, this time from when I was living in England. A friend and I had rented a downstairs flat from a family (which it later turned out they weren't supposed to rent out, but that's a story for another time. Our upstairs neighbour was racialised as white, as were most of the people in that area. We were two of very few people either racialised as Black or belonging to the Global Majority.

One thing we noticed is that our upstairs neighbour was a little bit standoffish. Admittedly, many Brits won't welcome you immediately with open arms but even the regular pleasantries seemed a little bit forced. We had no idea why. We paid our rent on time, we both had jobs and our lives at the time were fairly sedate, if only because we were on a limited budget and possibly also because we were in our late twenties and coming out of that "party hearty" phase that we had never really been in.

After we'd been there for a month or so we ran into our upstairs neighbour one day, greeted her and started to chat. And that's when she said it: "You're much quieter than I thought you would be. I thought you'd be playing loud music all the time."

My friend and I looked at each other blankly. In my memory neither of us said anything in response, though I'm willing to bet my friend made a smart quip, because she's good at that. I myself was dumbfounded - after all she knew less than nothing about us so how could she make that assumption.

In unpacking it later, we realised that she had formed her opinion of Black people from the media portrayals on television and in the papers. Those representations were not as common or varied as you might see today. They tended to be stereotypical and reductive, which meant that she assumed that all Black people played loud music and had wild parties, because that's what she'd seen. And that's what she expected from us, which is perhaps why she was standoffish.

Leaving aside the fact that we had just as much right to have a party as any of our neighbours, her reading of what it would mean if we did was based on a racial stereotype.

Despite my year in France and my year in England at that time, including some truly shocking experiences due to racism, I was always a little shocked, then annoyed - usually in that order - when something racist happened. And it always did. Over time, I got less shocked, as it became easier and easier to spot when I was being judged, and what assumptions were being made, even before people opened their mouths. It's amazing what can be conveyed by a glance.

Back in those days, though I recognised racism, I didn't often challenge it, especially not with strangers. I only raised issues like that with people I cared about who might be in my life for more than a short time. But these days, I'd handle it differently. No blank stares and silent, private processing. Instead, I would challenge the person making the biased statement. I would ask why she would have assumed that we would be anything other than quiet. I would have asked where that assumption came from. And I would have used my friend Linda's favourite questions: who told you that about Black people and why did you believe them (or it)?

I'm sure that would have made our neighbour very uncomfortable. But perhaps it would also have made her think twice about where her ideas came from. What do you think?

Black and Global Majority folx, how do you handle these situations? Folx racialised as white, what beliefs have you had to unpack on your anti-racism journey?

Feel free to share below

Thanks for reading,

Sharon

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I am an anti-racism educator and activist, the author of “I’m Tired of Racism”, and co-host of The Introvert Sisters podcast.

© Sharon Hurley Hall, 2025. All Rights Reserved. This newsletter is published on beehiiv (affiliate link).