Hello {{ first name | friends}},
If you're the white person in an interracial* couple, you might THINK there's no racism in your relationship bubble, but the truth is, there's likely racism within your relationship that you may not even see. I know my white husband has often commented that there were things he just didn't see at the start of our relationship that he's painfully aware of now.
Prepare to be uncomfortable as I share five ways racism can show up in a relationship. (Plus there's a special bonus for paid subscribers at the end).
1. Gaslighting Through Disbelief
Oh, the gaslighting! Often when something is out of your experience, you don't know what to make of it. Don't worry; your partner does. But your lack of awareness can cause harm for them. Some of the ways this shows up:
Questioning if something was "really" racist
Minimising or dismissing their experience because you didn't see it
Suggesting they are seeing what's not there
Failing to spot the "dog whistles" and coded insults which are much more subtle than racial slurs
Thinking they are overreacting, when it's not just about this incident; it's about the endless paper cuts of systemic racism.
What to do instead
Accept that you're living in a different reality, and do the work to educate yourself about theirs. Trust that they know racism when they see it (they have spent decades tuning that knowledge and intuition), and believe them without question.
2. Creating Invisible Emotional Labour
You may not realise this, but every time a person racialised as Black or a person of the Global Majority has to educate their partner who's racialised as white, it makes them have to work hard. At the same time as bearing the weight of the incident itself, they also have to:
Manage your shock, your tears and your defensiveness
Explain their reactions even while they are still reeling
Make decisions about what to share to protect your sensibilities instead of fully leaning on you for support
Make you feel better, especially if you're crying (white tears are often weaponised against Black people)
What to do instead
Give them the space they need to deal with their emotions and process yours with someone else. And support whatever way they choose to deal with racism, even if that means they're talking to someone else who really gets it.
3. Putting Privilege Over Partnership
Privilege is about the relative lack of obstacles you face, and sometimes you take it for granted. You may also do the things you've always done without interrogating how these land with your beleaguered Black partner. This may look like:
Committing microaggressions without even knowing it
Making racist "jokes" that wound
Parroting assumptions based on the racialised stereotypes you've always taken for granted
Saying or doing things that read as racism to them
What to do instead
Open your ears and close your mouth to hear how they are experiencing things. Apologise sincerely and, most importantly, don't make the same mistake again.
4. Falling Into The Proximity Trap
Then there's the idea that being in the relationship gives you skin in the game. Again, that's wrong. This shows up like:
Thinking you couldn't possibly show racist behaviour because you're close to your partner.
Believing that you understand the full experience of being Black because you've seen some of the treatment they've had
Speaking for them (or even over them) when there are discussions about racism
Using your Black partner to discredit what other Black people are saying (the Black friend defence is never a good idea)
What to do instead
Know what you don't know and fill those gaps, so you can be the best ally and advocate for your partner.
5. Centring Yourself
One of the biggies is making yourself the focus of attention when racism comes up. This could look like:
Sucking all the air out of the room and asking for comfort instead of offering support
Taking up space while they are looking for time and space to process
Putting your feelings about the racist encounter at the centre
Wanting praise for the bare minimum of "allyship"
Asking for detailed explanations when they are still processing
Weaponising your tears - even if you don't mean to
What to do instead
This is another area where you need to be an advocate instead of burdening your partner with managing YOUR emotions. Find someone else who's NOT bearing the brunt of daily racism to process with. After all, isn't that the best way to be a good partner?
I know this is a lot. Being raised in a society founded on racism means racism is everywhere - the water, not the shark, remember. But by listening to and believing your partner and educating yourself, you can do better.
Finally, a couple of questions for you:
If you're racialised as Black or belong to the Global Majority, does this match your experience? If you have anything to add, please share it in the public comments and let's talk about it.
If you're racialised as white, did anything here surprise you? What action will you take next?
Thanks for reading
Sharon
*I use "people of the global majority" to refer to people who aren't "white". This extremely useful term, which is much more accurate than "minorities", was coined by Rosemary Campbell-Stephens.
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